I’m a Cis-Het Woman but My Boyfriend Watches Trans Porn, What Does It Mean?
This is a situation we hear about a lot – a cis woman is upset to find out her boyfriend watches porn featuring trans women performers and thinks “my boyfriend is attracted to transwomen and not me”.
Porn starring trans people has increased in popularity over the past decade and its main consumer is cisgender heterosexual men. In 2021, searches containing the term ‘trans’ on Pornhub increased by 141%, and views of the ‘transgender’ category grew by 23%. Trans porn was the 10th most viewed category of porn watched by men.
In Tell Me What You Want, Justin Lehmiller found that 20% of cisgender heterosexual men reported having fantasized about a trans partner before. Whereas just 5% of cisgender heterosexual women said they had ever fantasized about a trans partner before.
“The number who said this is something they fantasize about frequently was much lower, but the fact that 1 in 5 men reported the fantasy at all tells us that it’s not a rarity”, Justin Lehmiller explains.
So let’s unpack your reaction…
First, ask yourself what you’re upset by
Before jumping into this it’s important to first reflect on why exactly you’re upset. Are you upset that your boyfriend is watching porn in general, or is it that he’s watching porn featuring trans women? How would you feel if you found him watching porn with cis women? Do you feel upset because you think it means he’s not attracted to you or that he secretly wants to be with someone else?
First and foremost, it’s important to remember that his porn interests have nothing to do with you or your relationship. Porn is just a fantasy and doesn’t necessarily mean anything about your sexuality or sexual interests in real life.
Secondly, it’s perfectly normal for partners to be into different things when it comes to sex. It doesn’t mean you’re incompatible. Most people have multiple interests and desires, so compatibility is finding your shared interests whilst respecting those that you don’t share.
Remind yourself that trans women are desirable women
This is the most important part, and it’s very straightforward… Trans women are women, so liking trans women doesn’t mean anything other than your boyfriend likes women.
Unfortunately when men like trans women, society tells us that they must be secretly gay.
This is incredibly transphobic. Trans women are considered to be less than – not “fully” a woman, especially if they have a penis. So, by equating gender to genitals we deny transgender women their identity as a woman in their own right, and limit them to being substitutes of men.
There is another prejudice on top of this thinking. We’re also saying that trans women aren’t desirable in their own right. That people can’t truly be attracted to trans women, but can only use them to satisfy their attraction to someone else – in this case men.
Laverne Cox explains to USA Today, “The issue over the years for me as a trans woman and other trans women is that the womanhood of trans women is often disavowed, that a lot of people don’t see trans women as women, and so the men who are attracted to women, people think they’re gay,” she said. “And like, if you’re a straight man, you don’t want people to think you’re gay, and so a lot of times they don’t want to disclose or want to let anyone know.”
In actual fact, liking trans women simply means that your boyfriend likes women, and in that spectrum of women, he also likes trans women.
Say it loud and clear, trans women are women! 📣
Recognize the stigma you may be carrying
This situation offers you the chance to take a look at your own beliefs and prejudices around trans folks. Trans women’s existence has been questioned, demonized, and pushed to the margins for years. They have been characterized and stereotyped, and as such, men who are attracted to trans women are often stigmatized by association. Whether in TV, movies, or in society – it’s rare to see trans women being loved and desired in public.
There is little research into this subject, but one study found that just 12% of people said they would date a trans person. Of course, these relationships happen, but the problem is that they happen quietly. There’s a whole feature on Vice called Men Who Love Trans Women that tells the anonymous stories of various men in the USA. Why do they need to be anonymous?
As Janet Mock writes, “when a man can be shamed merely for interacting with a trans woman – whether it be through a photograph, a sex tape or correspondences — what does this say about how society views trans women? More importantly, what does this do to trans women?”.
This dangerous stigma is also directly related to violence against trans women – who are over four times more likely than cisgender people to experience violent victimization, including rape, sexual assault, and assault.
While 2021 saw an increased interest in trans porn, it was the ‘deadliest year’ of violence against trans people since records began. Unfortunately there is a huge cultural stigma against trans people that is deeply ingrained into our society. You can’t go into this conversation without confronting these stigmas.
Educate yourself about trans issues
It’s important for everyone – regardless of your gender or sexuality – to learn more about trans folks. If more people educate themselves on trans issues, society will become more inclusive of trans people. And with an increasing amount of trans-made media, it’s never been easier to do so.
Here are some starting points for you:
- Read The Transgender Issue by Shon Faye; Frontline by Juliet Jacques; I’m Afraid of Men by Vivek Shraya; and Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters
- Watch the documentaries Transhood, Transitioning Teens, and Disclosure
- Keep up to date with the news on media publications such as Attitude, DIVA and PinkNews, where LGBTQ+ folks can tell their own stories
- Check out organizations like Gendered Intelligence and Mermaids for their resources on how to be a better ally
- Follow creators on social media such as Charlie Craggs, Munroe Bergdorf, Kenny Ethan Jones, Jacob Tobia, and Jeffrey Marsh
On top of that, write complaints – and urge others to do the same – when you see transphobia in the media. Whether it’s falsehoods about trans folks, misgendering, or transphobic slurs, the mainstream media publish numerous articles each week that spread fear mongering and false information. And, attend protests for trans people’s rights or if you can’t be there in person then spread the word online.
Doing what you can to familiarize yourself with the issues that affect trans people is a start to supporting them.
Finally, have a shame-free conversation
Once you have educated yourself on trans issues and reflected on your own thoughts and beliefs, you can have a shame-free, judgment-free conversation with your partner about their porn habits.
1. Ask them about it, without judgment
Bring up the conversation in a calm and open way. Listen carefully to what your partner tells you and make sure they know that this is a judgment-free space. You can start by saying, “I know we’ve never really spoken about our porn interests before but I’d love to better understand the role that watching porn plays in your sexuality.”
Remember to make your partner feel safe, seen and heard when they are talking. You can say, “I can totally see why you would feel that way” or “I didn’t know that. Thank you for sharing!
2. Talk about your fears
Be honest and vulnerable about what it is exactly that upsets you. If you’re worried that they don’t find you attractive or that they don’t want to be with you – vocalize this to your partner. These fears can reflect underlying insecurities about yourself that your partner can help with.
You could say, “I know that porn is a fantasy and not reflective of our relationship but I’ve been feeling insecure about the porn you watch recently because it doesn’t look like the type of sex that we have together. Could we chat about that?”
3. Discuss boundaries
If the issue is that watching porn feels like cheating to you or you’re afraid that your partner secretly wants to be with someone else, then it’s time to discuss what cheating means in your relationship and the boundaries you can put in place around porn.
You might say, “I’d love to put some boundaries in place about our individual porn use and how we can both continue watching it in our relationship.”
Whatever agreements or discussions happen, make this discussion an ongoing conversation. As a society we must create a space for men to openly express their desires to be with trans women. That change starts by having these conversations in our own relationships.
Watch No Translation on afterglow
Two lovers on a date, exploring each other’s bodies, and having sex the way they want to – free of the cis gaze. In this afterglow original movie starring Lex Valor (they/them) and Roxanna (she/her) trans sexuality is centered and celebrated. Directed by Maximus Skaff (he/they), this is t4t sex at its best.