How to talk to your partner about group sex
by Chloe Morris and Jennifer Doan
Have you ever fantasized about trying group sex or having a threesome? If so, you’re in good company. According to a survey of over 4,000 people by Kinsey Institute researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller (featured in his book Tell Me What You Want), threesomes are the most common sexual fantasy in America. Clearly, fantasies involving more than two people aren’t as niche as they might seem.
And it’s no wonder why. The idea of being surrounded by multiple hands, mouths, and… other extremities can be both exhilarating and wildly erotic. For many people, group sex offers a unique way to explore sexual desires, spice up intimacy, and even grow closer to a partner through shared experiences.
But while the fantasy is hot, bringing up group sex with your partner can feel intimidating. What if they’re uncomfortable with the idea? What if they’ve never considered it before? Whether it’s something your partner has hinted at or a topic you’ve never discussed, it’s important to approach the conversation with curiosity—not pressure.
In this blog, we’ll show you exactly how to talk to your partner about group sex in a way that’s respectful, open, and judgment-free. From choosing the right moment to discussing boundaries and expectations, this guide will help you have a conversation that’s as supportive as it is sexy.
Do Your Research
nervous, we suggest picking up a couple books on the subject. The Ethical Slut & Opening Up are great places to start. Even if you’re only looking to open things up physically and not romantically, these books can help set up communication skills needed to explore group sex and navigate any big emotions that may come up.
It’s also important to consider what kind of group sex experience you’re actually interested in. There’s a wide spectrum—threesomes, foursomes, swinging, cuckolding, and more—and each dynamic brings its own vibe and boundaries. Knowing what specifically excites you (and what doesn’t) can help you communicate your desires more clearly and have a more grounded conversation with your partner.
Want to explore more? Porn can also be a great way to research group sex (and have a fun time doing it). afterglow features many ethically made films with various forms of group sex. For instance, check out our film Birthday for an amazing example of how pleasure and power dynamics play into the dynamics of group sex. (psst… make sure to read the Birthday pleasure recap for a debrief on all that went down in the film!)
How to Bring Up Group Sex With Your Partner
Choose the Right Moment
Bringing up a fantasy like group sex can feel vulnerable—exciting, but also nerve-wracking. That’s why choosing when and how to talk about it is just as important as what you say. First, find the right moment. Timing is everything. Try bringing it up when you and your partner are feeling connected and relaxed—not in the middle of a stressful day or right after an argument. You might start the conversation while cuddling after sex, during a cozy night in, or while discussing fantasies more broadly. The goal is to create a low-pressure, emotionally safe space for an honest exchange.
Lead With Curiosity, Not Pressure
Next, don’t expect them to be on board right away. Even if your partner is open-minded, this kind of conversation might catch them off guard. Give them space to process and ask questions. It’s okay if their first reaction isn’t a resounding “yes.” What matters most is that you’ve opened the door to an ongoing, respectful dialogue.
Respect Their Boundaries and Comfort Level
It’s important to respect their boundaries—and know when to drop it. If your partner expresses discomfort or flat-out says no, that’s something to take seriously. Consent and comfort go both ways. Pushing the subject repeatedly, especially if they’ve set a clear boundary, can create tension or mistrust. If it’s not something they’re open to now—or ever—it’s important to accept that with grace and love.
Strengthen Communication and Trust
Most importantly, reassure them it’s not about being dissatisfied.One of the most common fears when fantasies like this come up is, “Am I not enough?” Make it clear that your interest in group sex doesn’t mean you’re unhappy with your current sex life or with them. Let them know this is about exploring something with them—not replacing them. Affirm their desirability and the strength of your connection, and remind them that trust and intimacy are at the heart of this fantasy.
Talk About the Benefits of Group Sex
Once the conversation is flowing, it can be helpful to talk about why this fantasy appeals to you—not just what turns you on, but what it could bring to your relationship. Exploring fantasies together can deepen trust, boost intimacy, and open the door to more honest communication about pleasure. Framing group sex as something that could be exciting for both of you—rather than just a personal desire—can help your partner see it as a shared adventure, not a threat. So let’s discuss the benefits of group sex.
Explore Your Fantasies Together
This one is fairly obvious. If you fantasize about group sex, it could be fun to bring that into reality. But, fun fact: exploring your fantasies (no matter what they are) can actually create a more fulfilling relationship, even if you don’t act on them. One study showed that exploring your fantasies together can actually strengthen your relationship, whether it’s acting them out or just talking about them.
Start by laying out your fantasies together. As we said, do it while laying in bed, naked, to make it more sexy and less scary. Talk about the things you might like to try during group sex. What types of people would you like to meet? In what ways would you like to play with them? How do you think the experience would make sex with your partner even hotter? Don’t be surprised if this conversation ends in some really hot sex…
If group sex is on yours and your partner’s bucket list, it may be worth diving into a pile of people together. I mean…why not?
Strengthen Communication and Trust
If there’s one thing that can be said about people in thriving open relationships, it’s that they know how to communicate.
When you add more people to your relationship, or just your bedroom, that means multiple sets of feelings are involved. You have to learn how to speak your truth pretty quickly if you want to keep things running smoothly.
Jealousy is something that can come up, in even the most secure relationships. It’s important to bring those feelings to the forefront as soon as they come up. Even if you’re only looking to hook up with strangers, communication is vital for having fun, healthy, group sex. Since most of us grew up being taught that jealousy meant that someone really liked you, it can be hard to shake off those deeply ingrained ideas.
When it comes to jealousy, it’s all about progress and not perfection. It’s ok to feel jealous, but navigating those feelings in a healthy way can change a group sex experience from ‘A fun way to spend a Friday’ into ‘The reason you’re such a good communicator.”
Make Friends (or Just Have Fun)
It’s totally cool if you’d rather have a more anonymous group sex experience, but getting to know the minds behind those sweaty bodies can lead to some amazing friendships.
If you get involved with swinger communities or the sex party scene in your city, you’ll probably find some likeminded people who are into the same sort of things you are. Both in and outside the bedroom.
There’s nothing like a friends-with-benefits situation where you can grab brunch the day after a great fuck. Plus liking someone’s personality, as well as their booty can make the sexy part of your relationship even better.
It’s Fun!
Group sex doesn’t have to be taken too seriously. As long as everyone feels comfortable and their boundaries are being respected, group sex can be a ton of fun. Check in often with ALL your sexual partners, to make sure everyone is still on the same page. Group sex is only fun when everyone is enjoying themselves.
But when it works, it can be one of the hottest sexual experiences you can have. When you’re in the heat of the moment, with everyone in the throes of pleasure, all around you, you’re not thinking about how your body looks or whether or not you’re ‘sexy enough.’ There’s so much going on that all your insecurities go out the window and you can concentrate on giving and receiving as much pleasure as possible.
It can be a bit of a sensory overload the first few times, but once you get into the swing of things, group sex can be an amazing way to explore, play and experience sex on a whole new level.
Watch Ethical Porn Together
Not sure where to begin? Watching ethical porn together can be a great way to explore the idea of group sex in a low-pressure, curiosity-driven way. It allows you and your partner to see what kinds of dynamics turn you on, spark conversation, and help you figure out whether this is just a shared fantasy—or something you’d actually like to try in real life.
Our film Key Party is a perfect place to start. Set in the 1970s, this playful, nostalgic film follows eight queer individuals who arrive at a dinner party in couples… but end up mixing things up once the keys hit the bowl. Casual, upbeat, and full of mutual exploration, Key Party is a celebration of consensual, sex-positive swinging that might just inspire your own fantasy.
Want to go deeper? Check out our Pleasure Recap, where we break down the key components of the film and highlight what you can learn from it—from communication and consent to how to navigate shared play with ease and excitement.
Exploring together through porn can open up important conversations, build trust, and help you figure out what feels right for both of you—whether that’s watching, fantasizing, or diving into something new.
Final Thoughts: It’s Okay If It’s Just a Fantasy
Group sex isn’t for everyone. Sometimes a fantasy can just be a fantasy. You don’t have to explore absolutely everything in real life.
But if you and your partner are interested in trying it, do your research and figure out a way to play that feels most comfortable to you. You may find there are more benefits to group sex than you thought! Just watch out for flying limbs… 😉