A Guide on How to Hook Up
In movies, it always looks simple: long eye contact at a bar leads to a meet-cute leads to “wanna get out of here,” and then it’s on. In real life? Knowing how to hook up (and actually have a good time doing it!) can be a lot more stressful.
Luckily, adult film performers Mickey Mod and Vanessa Vega are here to break down everything you need to know to have a sexy, enjoyable hookup. Trust us when we say: there are no better two people to learn from. Vanessa Vega is a pro at asking for what she wants, and Mickey is a pro at giving it to her (like seven times). 😏
Read some of their advice in this guide, or watch them show you exactly how it’s done.
How to ask someone to hook up
So you have that moment: you make eye contact. Your body fills with electricity. Your stomach drops.
What do you do next?
Well, ask for what you want. This can be nerve wracking, but remember that it’s flattering to have someone express interest in you, regardless of what happens next.
There’s no one way to go about asking someone to hook up. You can test the waters of interest by flirting a little. It can also be hot just to ask for whatever it is that you want directly. This might mean asking, “Can I kiss you?” Or it might sound more like, “I want to go to your bedroom and take off all of your clothes. Are you down?”
Remember that hooking up doesn’t mean just one thing to all people, so you can’t ever make assumptions about what will happen next. But not knowing what will happen next is part of the fun.
How to communicate during a hookup
“Some people feel so nervous having a conversation about whether to use a condom or what kind of birth control their partner uses that they don’t have the conversation at all,” according to Vanessa.
Mickey’s advice? “Check in with yourself, and understand what’s important to you.”
Will you feel safer with the extra protection? (Remember: birth control doesn’t protect you from STIs.) What risks are you comfortable taking? If you know why you’re asking what you’re asking what you’re asking, it’ll help with the nerves.
Talk about kissing
Not all people kiss the same way.
“For me it’s a dance between tongues, and it’s this slowness,” says Vanessa Vega. “I love it when you bite my bottom lip and I bite your top lip.”
When you’re kissing someone new, start slow and take cues from what they’re doing. Let your lips respond to theirs.
You can play with things like neck touching, hands in hair, pulling their body close, and kissing fast and slow.
There’s no wrong way to kiss, but people do have different preferences and ways of doing it. When in doubt, ask. Try, “How do you like to be kissed?” or, “Show me how you like to be kissed.”
Ask questions throughout
Sometimes, specific questions can be more helpful (and sexy) than broad questions. You still can totally ask people what they like generally, but you might find that’s tricky for your partners to talk about because there’s so much they could say, or because it’s vulnerable to list all of your sexual preferences. You also want to ask questions frequently throughout the entire hookup to know how your partner is feeling about it, so try questions like these, instead:
Do you like it when I…
- Use my hands?
- Put my hands in your hair?
- Hold you?
- Lick your clit?
- Take this off?
- Touch myself?
- Show you my favorite position?
- Tell you how I like to be fucked?
- Put your fingers inside of me, just one at a time?
- Spank my ass?
- Kiss my tummy?
- Give me a tour of your tattoos?
These questions make it easy for your partner to answer with a simple yes or no. They’re clear and they’re sexy AF.
Pro tip: Try adding affirmations to your questions, like “I just want to make you feel so fucking good,” “Your body is perfect,” or “You make me feel so good.”
Give lots of feedback
Especially give positive feedback. Hooking up is vulnerable! Tell your partner what you appreciate, what you crave, and what you want more of.
Here are some ideas:
- “I do like it when you use your hands”
- “That feels so fucking good”
- “Just like that”
- “Right there, that’s perfect”
- Moans — don’t hold them back
- Even a simple “fuck” goes a long way
Give feedback throughout the whole experience. The things that feel best can change from moment to moment.
You know when you’re close to cumming and suddenly the sensation disappears and you would give anything to have your partner move their tongue 3 mm to the left? Don’t be afraid to share what feels best to your body with your partner!
When you’re telling your partner to change what they’re doing, you’re not giving negative feedback. You’re giving them a roadmap to your pleasure, which is such a sexy gift. Guesswork can be really nerve-wracking, and when someone tells you exactly what to do to please them, it takes the guesswork out of it.
Plus, you have a better time. Win-win.
Here are some things you can say:
- “Stay really shallow”
- “Not so deep”
- “Put your hands here”
- “Please keep going”
Feedback can also be non-verbal, so listen to your partner’s body. Are they moving their hips, breathing faster or slower, making eye contact, or contracting certain muscles? You can’t necessarily make assumptions about what they want based on their body language, but you can tell them what you notice, make some guesses, and ask what they want based on what you see their body doing.
Do you want to grind your hips against my cock?
Or affirmations like:
You can touch me like that. I like it when you touch me like that.
Are they pulling away, laying still, or looking at the ceiling? Take that as a cue to slow down and check in with them. Try saying, “Does this still feel good?” or, “I noticed you just got still. Everything okay?” You can also ask if they want to take a break and cuddle, offer to bring them water, or have some pillow talk.
Feedback after hooking up
When you’re done having sex, keep the conversation going. You just did something really special and vulnerable together.
Here are some ways you can communicate or offer care when you’re done:
- “You made me feel so good”
- “You made me cum”
- “Your body is fantastic”
- “Wanna take a shower with me?”
- “I learned a lot about you and your body and all of that information is so amazing”
- “I would love to do this again sometime”
Ready to learn from the pros?
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What if you didn’t have to search to find a body that looks like yours, a sex act that turns you on, or a guided exercise that helps you tell your partner exactly what you’ve been craving?
What if YOUR pleasure came first?
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