Becoming your own best lover.

Knowing what you want, what turns you on (and off) and what brings you pleasure is essential for being a sexually confident and satisfied woman, (whether you have a lover or not.)

Exploring your desires, arousal and pleasure on your own is an important way to develop more confidence, comfort, curiosity and familiarity with your sexuality. This is so that when you are with a lover, you are more likely to ask for, offer and create the experiences that you are desiring.

And when you are without a lover, you will feel fully satisfied, complete and ecstatic knowing that you have the power to give yourself all the pleasure and orgasms you could possibly want.

In other words, if you want to have mind blowing orgasms and/or an amazing af sex life (solo or with a lover,) you need to become your own best lover!  Do not expect or depend on others to be able to turn you on or bring you more pleasure than you can experience on your own.

Your desire and sexual energy is your life force energy.  It exists within you.  You are the source of it.  You are responsible for generating it, cultivating it, expanding it and sharing it (if you so choose.)

The more in touch with this energy you are, the more you understand it, claim it and play with it, the more powerful and satisfying all of your sexual experiences will be.

Here are the first two essential steps to understanding your sexual needs and desires…


Prioritize self-pleasure and be intentional about it.

Create intentional time in your busy life to pleasure yourself and explore your sexuality. Make a date with yourself and put it in your calendar if necessary.

Solo sexual exploration, or what I like to call, self pleasuring, is different from masturbation.

Many people masturbate a similar way each time and it is usually goal oriented, i.e. about having a quick orgasmic release.  This is wonderful, of course, but it has its limitations.

The intention with self pleasuring is not about orgasm, but rather about being present to pleasure.

It is an intentional time to connect to your sensuality, sexuality and eroticism.  You can also set a personal intention for your pleasure practice, for example to feel nourished or grounded, to embody confidence and power, to release shame or frustration.

Self pleasuring can look a variety of ways. 

For example, you might dress-up, put on music and dance, be wildly expressive, make lots of noise, use a variety of sex toys and have an erotic, orgasmic experience.  Or you might light some candles, give yourself a sensual massage, take a soothing bath and explore soft, gentle and nourishing touch.

Experiment, explore something new, have fun and be curious! When you intentionally explore your sexuality in a variety of ways, not only will you discover more of what turns you on and brings you pleasure, but you will also make your sexual exploration more holistic.

Holistic sexuality includes and integrates all parts of us ~ body, mind, emotions, and spirit.

You might discover that being this intentional and present in your body brings up emotions, memories or thoughts.  Don’t resist the feelings.  Being present with them is an opportunity to heal if you are willing to welcome whatever shows up with compassion.

When you are present with your emotions during your pleasure practice it is not only healing, it also makes you less inhibited as a sexual being, and allows for greater capacity for expansion and self expression.  The more you can express yourself and be comfortable with all your emotions, the more expressed you will be sexually, and the greater your experience of pleasure and orgasmic bliss.

” Holistic sexuality includes and integrates all parts of us ~ body, mind, emotions, and spirit.”

Love yourself

Yes, I know this sounds cliche, but it’s true. You really do need to fall in love with yourself if you want to be your own best lover.

If you are harboring feelings of dislike or disgust towards yourself, if you are carrying shame and insecurities about your sexuality, it is much harder to experience pleasure.

In order to experience pleasure and know what turns you on, you need to be able to relax presently into the moment. 

If your mind is busy with feelings of self-judgement, self-criticism and self-consciousness, you won’t be able to really enjoy yourself and focus on sensation, which is where the pleasure happens.  You also won’t have as much capacity to explore with curiosity and playfulness because your mind is too preoccupied with negative self talk.

Here are two things you can do to enhance self love and sexual pleasure…

1. Get comfortable with your body and your sexuality by being with yourself in front of a mirror naked.

Yes, seriously! Put on some music that inspires you to move then get in front of that mirror and seduce yourself!  Dance and touch yourself all over in ways that feel good. Flirt with yourself.  Spend time being present in your body, seeing yourself move and embodying your sensuality.

The more comfortable you are with yourself in this way, the more open and curious you will be to explore what turns you on and brings you pleasure.

2. Work on developing your confidence by improving your internal dialogue.

Speak out loud several things that you love and appreciate about yourself. Give yourself positive affirmations and adorations.  Be mindful that you don’t limit it to the physical, but praise yourself for all your amazing personality traits as well as celebrate yourself for everything you’ve accomplished, big or small.

Make it a habit everyday to acknowledge and celebrate yourself for being a badass.  Look yourself in the mirror with authentic appreciation.  The more you do this, the more confident and happy you will be sexually and otherwise.


When you are feeling confident and in love with yourself, you are less inhibited and more open to explore your arousal and desire. When you are intentionally exploring your sexuality for your own pleasure and enjoyment, you will be incredibly delighted by realizing how much more you understand your sexual needs and desires because you are organically discovering them through your own curiosity, play and exploration.


For additional guidance and specific tips on exploring your sexuality download Usha Rose’s free guide: The 4 Keys to Becoming More Erotically Embodied and Sexually Confident.

Meet the author…

Usha Rose, founder of the Erotic Embodiment Institute, is a Sacred Sexuality and Conscious Relationship Coach.  She teaches online group programs and offers private coaching for women who want to connect more intimately to their pleasure, desire and sexuality so that they can live a more confidently embodied, empowered and fully expressed life of joy and freedom.