“Without afterglow, I don’t think that I would have such a strong and trusting connection to my partner. I don’t think I would have such a special connection to my porn, either. I love the representation and the normalization. It fulfills the mission I set out on as a sex educator. It almost feels like a friendship. It feels special and happy.”
-Rae Kennedy, afterglow community member
Rae wanted to watch porn, but felt turned off by the porn she had seen
As the creator of an online community for vulva-owners with genital herpes, Rae knows how to slay stigma, especially when stigma gets in the way of pleasure. She knew porn was a highly stigmatized, potentially pleasurable topic, and was curious to learn more about it. But the porn she had seen in the past turned her off.
“The porn I had watched in the past with partners felt degrading and was a turn off for me,” remembers Rae. “I could never really see myself in mainstream porn.”
“I could never really see myself in mainstream porn. I had a misconception about what porn could be.”
She didn’t like that in mainstream porn, penis-owners were the only ones receiving pleasure. She wanted to see people with vulvas enjoying sex, too. And as a sex educator with a passion for ethical sex, she wanted to know how performers were being treated when the cameras weren’t rolling.
“It’s important to me that people are getting paid for their work, consent is happening, and performers are being respected,” says Rae.
Rae wanted porn to center her pleasure, and she wanted to feel good about the ethics of consuming it. But she didn’t know if the kind of porn she was looking for existed.
“I had a misconception about what porn could be,” says Rae.
Finding afterglow, sharing porn with her partner, and creating pleasure rituals
When Rae discovered afterglow, she was all in.
“afterglow felt like a safe place to explore porn,” says Rae. “I almost felt a lightness and excitement and curiosity watching it, rather than a trauma response.”
She started exploring films, and stumbled upon an afterglow original called Lip Service.
“There was so much to choose from,” says Rae. “The first clip that I saw was of Lip Service. It was very ethereal and pleasing to the eye, and the woman was being pleasured. I remember wanting to see so much more like that.”
Rae sent Lip Service to her cis-het husband. She was in a monogamous marriage at the time, and her husband held a lot of shame and embarrassment around masturbating because of his negative experiences with a previous partner. Rae wanted to normalize that she also watched porn, and she wanted it to be a way for the two of them to connect.
“I sent him a video, and there was a new level of trust,” says Rae. “Neither of us had many positive experiences with porn and partners. It didn’t make me feel yucky or weird. It made me feel happy for him.”
As she continued to explore, she learned more about herself and her pleasure.
“In a society that doesn’t prioritize women’s pleasure, it was nice to take that and flip the narrative,” says Rae. “To say, ‘No, I am going to center my pleasure. My pleasure is a priority.’ That was a muscle I had to exercise.”
“In a society that doesn’t prioritize women’s pleasure, it was nice to take that and flip the narrative. To say, ‘No, I am going to center my pleasure. My pleasure is a priority.’ That was a muscle I had to exercise.”
Rae started to build intentional rituals around porn and solo intimacy to flex that muscle.
Rae’s pleasure ritual
“Usually, I like it to be a day I have off, where my partner’s not home,” says Rae. “I can start slow. It’s not some rushed, grab-your-vibrator-and-be-done-in-two-seconds experience.”
She draws a bath, creates the perfect playlist, and picks the right toy. She also puts coconut oil on her body when she’s done. The process can take at least an hour.
“I will completely set the mood and search for just the right video that meets my needs,” says Rae. “It feels very self-indulgent and very special.”
Rae’s favorite afterglow film to watch is Rubber.
“So many people learn about sex from porn,” says Rae. “This is how they know to have sex because this what they see. I love that the creators of Rubber made safer sex and barrier methods feel so fun. I can count on one hand how many porn films I had seen with barrier methods and lube before I found afterglow.”
Rae also learned a few tricks from the content she watched. In a girl-on-girl strap-on video, she learned how to put a condom on with her mouth. She has recently been exploring bisexuality, and says ethical porn has given her the confidence to share that with her partner.
“It makes me feel worthy, which is something I struggled with before I was able to connect with my sexuality”
Rae’s journey with her sexuality continues to grow deeper.
“It makes me feel worthy, which is something I struggled with before I was able to connect with my sexuality,” she says.
Her intentional rituals are now an easy and fun part of her life.
“These intentional rituals were almost prescribed in the beginning. I had to do them to unlearn,” she says. “Now, the fact that it’s easy and fun makes it feel like some people’s equivalent of a face mask or online shopping. It feels just as fulfilling to me.”
Her new year’s resolution is to prioritize pleasure at least once per week. She says it’s a way for her to honor her needs and boundaries.
“The sooner we can shed this belief that we need to be like everybody else and go along with whatever the man wants (in a heterosexual relationship), the better,” says Rae. “We can demand that we have our pleasure honored, demand that our boundaries are respected, that our yesses are heard and that our nos are heard even louder.”
Deepening her boundaries and honoring her pleasure has served Rae personally and in her relationships.
“Without afterglow, I don’t think that I would have such a strong and trusting connection to my partner,” says Rae. “I don’t think I would have such a special connection to my porn, either. I love the representation and the normalization. It fulfills the mission I set out on as a sex educator. It almost feels like a friendship. It feels special and happy.”
Ready to deepen your relationship with sex and intimacy?
Sign up for afterglow, and build your own intentional rituals with help from guided masturbations, partner exercises, and sexy, ethical porn. Pay what you want, and know that performers and creators are 18+, paid fairly for their work, and treated with respect.
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Want to know more? Read our Guide to Ethical Porn.
About Rae
Rae Kennedy is a registered nurse and certified sex educator. She’s also the creator of Positive Results, a community designed to support and educate vulva-owners who have been diagnosed with genital herpes. Rae lives in the Pacific Northwest. She spends her free time hiking in the mountains, along the coast, and beneath waterfalls. Her favorite afterglow film is Rubber.