How to Dirty Talk to Your Partner (Without the Cringe)
Oh, dirty talk. It can be amazing when it’s done well. But it can also be a total mood killer when it’s done badly… *cringes at all the embarrassing things I’ve said during sex*
Whether your partner has tried to initiate dirty talk during sex, you want to express your desires more openly during casual hookups, or it turns you on to hear someone talking dirty but you’re not sure how to give it back – this guide is for everyone who finds dirty talk challenging, embarrassing, or just plain awkward.
The beauty of dirty talk is that it’s not about perfection. It’s about letting go of inhibitions and expressing what feels good in the moment. So don’t worry about finding the perfect words, just let your inner kink out and enjoy the ride.
So, how can we talk dirty better, without cringing at ourselves (or our partners’)?
Why dirty talk is so hot
Research has shown that those who communicate pleasure during sex are more likely to experience sexual satisfaction than those who do not communicate. But why?
Dirty talk is so hot for so many of us because it appeals to our brains, our bodies, and goes against normal social decorum of what we’re allowed to say. We wouldn’t usually tell someone “I want to feel your c*ck inside of me”, but during dirty talk that’s a totally acceptable—and hot—thing to say.
It also introduces the additional sense of sound to sex, which stimulates the brain in a way that goes beyond just touch. Hearing the sound of a partner’s voice, especially when they are saying something provocative or naughty, can trigger a range of physiological responses.
Dirty talk can be an incredibly effective tool for communicating our desires and fantasies which can help to build intimacy and connection, and create a safe space for exploration and experimentation.
It’s no wonder that dirty talk is such a popular way to enhance sexual experiences – it taps into a powerful aspect of our human nature and can take pleasure to a whole new level.
Dirty talk: The do’s
Do: Get consent first
Consent is necessary for any sexual act, even if it’s just verbal, so make sure it’s the first part of any dirty talk. It’s essential to ensure that consent is established as the initial component of any dirty talk. Engaging in dirty talk isn’t solely a matter of wanting to hear about each other’s desires but also requires having the mental and physical capacity to engage in it in your current environment.
You can say something like:
- “Dirty talking during sex really turns me on and I’d love to try it with you, is that something that you’re interested in?”
- “I have something I want to tell you, but it’s a bit dirty. Can I share it?”
Do: Share likes and dislikes
If your partner wants to try dirty talking with you, then be sure to ask what words they like, and which words or phrases they don’t want to hear first. There may be some words that sound hot to you but make your lover feel threatened or uncomfortable.
And be sure to share your own likes and dislikes too. Think of things you’d like to hear and things you definitely wouldn’t want to hear.
You can say something like:
- “Are there any names you like being called in bed? What about those you don’t like?”
- “I love affirmation and praise, so if you think I’m doing something well then I’d love to hear it”
- “I like being bossed around, so if you’re into it, feel free to tell me what to do”
- “I don’t like swear words or anything too explicit, so prefer the chat to be more subtle.”
FIVE THINGS to ask someone before dirty talk:
1. Three names you like to be called
2. Three names you DON’T like to be called
3. Three words for your genitals
4. Three physical compliments you enjoy
5. Three non-physical compliments you enjoy— lolajeandotcom (@lolajeandotcom) March 27, 2023
Do: Tell them what you’re doing
Sometimes the best sex talk is simple and straightforward. As you’re having sex, just tell them what you’re going to do or what you’re currently doing.
You could say something like:
- “I’m going to bend you over and spank you”
- “I’m going to put your ___ in my mouth”
- “I’m going to come for you.”
Do: Tell them what you want them to do
If you’re at a loss for words, tell your partner what hot, dirty things you’d love for them to do. Instructions and giving a little direction can be incredibly sexy for some people. And if they’re already doing them, tell them how much you enjoy them.
You could say something like:
- “Right there. Touch my _____.”
- “I want you to use me like a toy.”
- “I want to feel you inside of me”
- “Spank me”
Do: Give affirmations and praise
Flattery will get you everywhere with those who appreciate a little verbal lovin’. Don’t be shy about letting your partner know when their moves are making your toes curl. Who doesn’t love a good compliment, especially when it’s about your skills in the bedroom?
You could say something like:
- “You look so sexy lying there. Let me show you how much I want you.”
- “It feels so good when you suck my ear”
- “You’re making me so wet/hard. I can’t wait to feel you inside me.”
- “I love the way you touch me. Keep doing that, it feels incredible.”
- “I feel so safe and comfortable with you. Thank you for making me feel so good.”
Do: Tap into your senses
When it comes to dirty talk, it’s all about feeling. Tap into the sensory side of sex and you’ll realize you have a ton of dirty talk options at your disposal. Describe everything using all five senses – what are you seeing, feeling, hearing, smelling?
Don’t intellectualize it so much, try to let your inhibitions go and get in touch with your senses. Who knows what kind of naughty things will come out of your mouth?
You could say something like:
- “You taste so good, I could keep doing this all night”
- “I love hearing you groan”
- “I love feeling you on top of me/inside of me”
Do: Ask questions
Asking questions can not only be great dirty talk but it can also help you have great sex and know what your partner wants.
Try saying:
- “Do you want me to _____?”
- “What would you like me to do to you?”
- “How do you want me to _____?”
- “Do you like it when I _____?”
- “Do you like the way I make you feel?”
- “Do you want me to do that harder or faster?”
Do: Be prepared to laugh it off
Sex should be fun and if you’re gonna talk dirty, you gotta be ready to laugh too. Sex can be a messy and awkward affair sometimes. And there’s nothing like a good giggle to break the tension and keep things light and fun.
But if you can laugh at yourselves and each other, it can actually make the experience even hotter. So, don’t be afraid to let loose and get silly with your partner. Because if you can’t laugh during sex, what’s the point?
Still stuck? Get some inspiration from ‘U Up?’
Sometimes it’s easier to get started when the ideas are coming from an outside source. Watch the afterglow original film U Up? and see how performers Remi Amour and Mickey Mod use dirty talk in the intimacy in virtual space through video sex. Pay attention to:
- How Remi asks Mickey what he would do if he was with her
- Remi asking Mickey to touch himself for her
- How Remi describes what she wants him to do
- How they both use dirty talk throughout the experience
[button link=”https://xoafterglow.com/video/u-up” type=”big” color=”black” newwindow=”yes”] Watch U Up? on afterglow [/button]
Dirty talk: The don’ts
Don’t: Say things you think you should say
If you feel awkward saying it but feel like you should say it, then stop. Talking dirty is so much more fun, and hot, when it feels like you like saying naughty things, not just regurgitating something you think you should be saying.
If you don’t usually swear, then don’t use swear words. No need to use words that make you feel uncomfortable. And don’t copy dirty talk from porn if that doesn’t feel like you. Your partner might be a bit thrown off if you go from silent sex to saying “I want you to use me like a little cum slut”.
Don’t: Overthink it
Overthinking can lead to feeling self-conscious and cause you to second-guess yourself, which can hinder the moment. Instead, it’s best to let the words flow naturally, without worrying too much about what to say or how to say it. Remember, the goal of dirty talk is to enhance the experience, not to impress your partner with your vocabulary. Keep it simple, authentic, and in the moment.
The bottom line
The most important thing is to communicate what you like and what feels good to you and to listen to your partner’s responses. By keeping it natural and not overthinking it, you can create a more relaxed and enjoyable experience for both you and your partner.
60% of women are dissatisfied with their sex lives. We’re on a mission to change that.
What if you didn’t have to search to find a body that looks like yours, a sex act that turns you on, or a guided exercise that helps you tell your partner exactly what you’ve been craving?
What if YOUR pleasure came first?