After struggling to orgasm with my college boyfriend (did anyone actually have good sex in college though?), I bought my first vibrator, a sparkly purple battery operated bullet. It took me a bit to figure out my sweet spots, but shortly after, I came so hard, I saw our lord and savior herself (it was Britney Spears). So then it was safe to say I was hooked. I used it morning and night, sometimes in between classes even. 

Unbeknownst to me, there is a term circulating around called: “dead vagina.” Dead vagina? Um… what? Apparently, there’s this idea that if you use a vibrator too much, it can just go numb from all dem vibes. Which clearly does not sound like a medical term, but rather something a teenage boy who feels threatened by sex toys would come up with. Not to mention, it would really be called “dead clit,” not “dead vagina,” but that’s neither here nor there. Either way, dead vagina sounds, well, deadly. Is this real? Can your clit perpetually go numb from getting off to your vibe too much? You’re in the same boat as me if this caused some intense anxiety. So, let’s find out.

From my research, there’s literally no evidence “dead vagina” is a thing, nor do vibrators make you lose nerve endings. HALLELUJAH.  It’s common to feel numb or lose sensation for a little bit after, but this really only lasts for like a few minutes to an hour. However, you can get stuck in a routine with your vibrator that can make it difficult to orgasm any other way. If we think about it, a lot of us can orgasm within five minutes or less from our trusty vibrators, but in actual partnered sex or just using your hand, it will usually take quite a bit longer.

There’s No Shame in Using Toys

If you’re like me, I get anxious extremely quickly, and knowing that my dick-owning dude was able to cum in less than 10 minutes, it leaves me feeling pretty inadequate. This is why a lot of us are quick to grab our toys so we can keep up (and because we know it’ll PROBABLY happen when using them). This is because honestly, most people with clits CANNOT orgasm from penetration alone and sometimes even with a lot of oral, fingering, etc. we know it might just not happen. So if you need your vibrator, then use it!

But let’s get into some facts. Luckily, I was able to chat with someone who is far more credible than my google web searches on this topic. So yes, my vulva owner pals, I got to chat with my good internet friend Rainey (@sexplained.med), who is an extremely intelligent boss BITCH who is currently in med school. We got to chatting about all things clits, vibes, etc. 

Q+A w. Rainey aka boss bitch

Do vibrators really desensitize you?

My understanding is that typical regular use of vibrators does not affect the sensitivity of the nerves of the clitoris in the long term. Vibrators may cause a temporary desensitization in the moment from over-stimulation. This is temporary and a normal physiological response, and everything usually returns to normal within an hour. Also, approaching orgasm the same way every time (maybe this is using a vibrator) can train the brain to coordinate orgasm release more readily when your body is stimulated in that one, familiar way. This might feel like having a hard time getting to orgasm any other way (than using a vibrator). I am of the belief that it can be possible to reach orgasm with a new technique or position… although it might take a little longer and you may need to be patient with your brain as it carves new neural pathways. While you haven’t necessarily become addicted to a vibrator, “it is possible to get spoiled” (as sex researcher Emily Nagoski PhD. once said).

Is using a vibrator everyday safe?

Absolutely. There is no evidence that using a vibrator on the external glans clitoris, vagina, and skin of the vulva is dangerous at all and it actually can be beneficial for some (currently working on some really neat research in this field! stay tuned!). Sexual pleasure can be viewed as a biologic reset button that exists to benefit our health. Masturbation can help reduce pain (think menstrual cramps), manage stress and anxiety, engage the pelvic floor muscles and increase pelvic circulation. Not to mention helping get us to sleep! We should note that solo sex with the same technique/tool/position every time can make having an orgasm with any other stimulus or position difficult. On the other hand, if you enjoy using vibrators regularly, there is no need to stop using them if it feels right for you! Tools, including vibrators, can be really helpful for those who have a hard time reaching orgasm. 

Do you think the notion that vibrators can desensitize you, or cause “dead vagina” stem from patriarchal oppression of vulva owners’ sexuality?

I think that is definitely a big part of it. For many of us, it was implied throughout our lives that sexual pleasure will come from a masculine figure. Those same young boys were taught that their role is to provide pleasure with their body — not an electric device. There’s certainly a culture around vibrators being seen as “emasculating” and I hope to help future patients and their partners unlearn some of that shame. My personal belief is that the most sexually strong relationships are those that have the confidence to communicate with each other among partners and establish pleasure goals and boundaries. That can involve the use of vibrators and teaching partners how to use them is a great step in a direction AWAY from the patriarchy. The truth is, tools like vibrators can bring some closer to understanding their body in a more sensual way and unlearning the practically universal internalized shame we carry. 

From a medical perspective, what do you recommend for us stuck in a routine with our vibrators?

I think mindfully slowing down, and listening to your body are good places to start. I would recommend actively working towards diversifying your sexual routine, with and without partners. There are some really cool tools out there that stimulate without vibration that I love. Products like the Waterslyde are an incredible way to explore pleasure in a new way (a rad little tool that diverts a stream of water from your bath faucet to your happy groin, hands free and no mess!). I also think that use of tools like erotic written stories, audio, ASMR, and film can help one get into a better sexual headspace that promotes arousal and possibly orgasm!

Now, My favorite ways to get off sans vibrator

If you’re looking to switch it up, here are some of my fav sans vibrator ways to get off:  

• One of my favorite sex toys, the one that makes me feel like the most witchy self-love queen, is my Gemstone Yoni crystal g-spot dildo (mine is the rose quartz one for extra self-love vibes). I purchased this after my own herpes diagnosis, and it truly helped me hon into my goddess energy, and helped me FEEEEEL myself. It’s similar to an internal vibrator, but this one is vibe free, which is a nice duo when stimulating your clit at the same time.
• The good old fashioned way–just use your hands! A lot of us get off so easy and quick with our vibrators, that we barely do any work! This is really great for truly exploring our bodies and getting all intimate with ourselves. 

It can be helpful to just wean yourself off of an intense vibrator–start by using lower and lower settings on it, until it’s such a low buzz!

Here for the Vibes

P.S if you’re new to the sex toy world or just in store for a new vibrator–here are some of my go-to (clitoral) vibrators:  

• Honestly, I love my basic, standard bullet vibrator–it’s not too intense and never disappoints. I’ve had one for years, and sadly, don’t know the name of it but you can find bullet vibrators in all sex shops. 
• A new classic- the LELO Sona is different than most standard vibrators–this one offers a sonic pulse as opposed to vibration (it technically doesn’t even have direct contact with the clit, it’s just those sonic waves!). It’s great for strong and sensual build up, and if you feel overstimulated, this one is great because it’s more indirect!
• The Ripple Silicone Rechargeable Vibrator from Babeland is on the top of my list because it’s flared shape allows for all over vulva pleasure, while still hitting the clit at the same time. 

For a more intense vibrator, I love mysixnine mini wand, with 20 different settings, eight speeds, and water resistant–it’s probably the most intense vibrator I have. It’s iconic.