Pleasure Recap · from a conversation between Izzy & Justin

Which is harder: talking about intimacy or expressing it physically?

That question, and plenty more, comes up in this conversation between Izzy, afterglow’s Head of Content, and Justin, who founded Joy Bear Pictures and created the I really love_ series.

I really love_ is a diverse collection of original conversations between couples, many in actual relationships. Each discussion explores a sexual theme suggested by the performers themselves, followed by explicit sex.

In their conversation, Izzy and Justin explore what happens when you prioritize conversation before having sex.

Justin I’ve been making films for over twenty years, and the ethical part has always been everything you don’t see. Consent, communication, boundaries, all of it happening behind the camera. With I really love_ I wanted to take that and put it at the front.

Izzy Putting it at the front only works if what’s at the front is real but the moment you point a camera at someone, they start performing.

Justin A hundred percent. The minute you put a camera in someone’s face the mask comes on. What’s different here is that it’s unscripted and they’re starting from something they’re genuinely into. They could lie about it, but then they’d have to lie for forty-five minutes, and we’re going to ask a lot of questions. If somebody says I’m really into anal, and you ask why, and they say I like it, and you ask why, and they say it feels nice, that’s not authentic. Somebody who can just talk about it, that’s the thing you’re watching.

Justin In porn the relationship is assumed. They know each other, there’s a familiarity, so you never see the “can I do that, do you like that, is that okay today”. Or if they are together: “I know you like this, so I’m going to do it. Is that alright today?” And actually “no, not today”, and that’s fine too. You never see any of it in porn.

Izzy Because it gets cut. Every time.

Justin The conversations are one long example of consent. They’re constantly saying I don’t like that, I don’t like that either, but I really like this. So when you get to the scene, you understand where it came from. For people who don’t watch porn because they look at it and think she isn’t enjoying that, she’s being exploited: go back to the conversation. You just watched her say how much she wants this.

Izzy So what kind of vulnerability is harder: talking about sex or doing it?

Justin For performers, the talking. They’re comfortable performing — the mask goes on and you see a performance. But in a long conversation the mask starts to slip, or a more honest one replaces it, and they realise they’re talking about something they genuinely love. That’s much closer to talking about yourself. And almost all of them get to shame at some point, because that’s what’s underneath.

Izzy And shame is the thing worth being open about, with yourself and with whoever you’re with.

Justin The vulnerability in I really love_ comes from the conversations, not from the sex. By the time we get to the sex, so much has already been taken care of.

part 1 · watching each other

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Izzy There’s a couple in the series who have sex by watching each other while touching themselves. That’s it. And I keep thinking about how useful that is to see, because it’s pleasurable, it’s valid, and it isn’t penetrative. There’s such a saturation of the standard image. Bang bang bang, this is how penetrative sex looks, anal turns up, deep throat turns up, no conversation around any of it. Young people see that and now they don’t want to have sex at all. They find connecting with someone stressful, too much work. No surprise, with that much pressure on them.

Justin Sex is not about penetration. And what is foreplay, anyway? It doesn’t have to be the thing at the front, the prelude. Just be in the moment and try not to have a goal.

Justin I’d love to take some pressure off people. Sex can be fun, it can be funny, it doesn’t have to go in a straight line. It can go one way, stop, start again later. Something happens. You giggle. You say I don’t like that and you work your way through it.

Izzy That’s what got me about the pegging episode. We’re used to seeing women pegging men now, but seeing the two of them in that dynamic, and then Lina just giggling, with the flat direct light and none of the beautiful cinematic lighting I’m a sucker for. I stopped caring about the light. I was enjoying them enjoying themselves.

part 2 · pegging

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Justin In some episodes the performers decided in the moment that they weren’t going to climax. And we were fine with that. People assume there has to be a cum shot, and maybe there doesn’t, because in real life maybe there isn’t. That doesn’t mean the sex was bad.

Izzy When people hear no, or hear something that doesn’t match what they wanted, they read it as a threat. We’re not taught to hear no and be glad about it, even though it gets you closer to the thing you actually want.

Justin No is so important. No doesn’t mean I don’t like you anymore, please leave. It means the thing we were talking about doesn’t go any further. That’s all it is. So let’s be adults about it — that’s why adults have sex. Part of being an adult is being able to say okay, that didn’t land, let’s take this somewhere else. Maybe it goes somewhere, maybe it doesn’t. But it doesn’t have to be the end.

Izzy Those conversations changed how I think about my own intimacy, and it wasn’t from watching people have sex. It was from listening to performers talk about what they want.

Justin We’ve had years of not talking about sex, and years of making one version of what sex looks like, and then social media on top of it, which stopped people talking altogether. It’s no wonder the younger generation aren’t having sex. And people in long relationships often aren’t either. It isn’t only that nobody talks about it. It’s that nobody knows how.

Izzy Is there anything else you’d add?

Justin We’re only here for a short time. So make it count.